im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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