Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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