i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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