and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
