Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Randomize
