i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
