Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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