I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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