The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
