I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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