so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
