I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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