i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
