i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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