Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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