Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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