it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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