so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Operation Purity has been aborted
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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