Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
