Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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