): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
