I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
