all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
