If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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