How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
