im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
