Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
