hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
