Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
