I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
