you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
