im calling her cock vulture from now on
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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