Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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