You made me cry and you don't even care
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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