someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
