how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
