i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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