I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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