FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.