Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
