I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
