i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
