My liver just broke up with me...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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