It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
