i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
