Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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