btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she told me i tasted like america
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
