just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
