if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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