It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
