Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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