I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
