i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
