I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
