i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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