She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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